I was going to title this blog "let me explain" but I don’t feel the need to explain anything. What I do want to do is enlighten anyone reading this so that they have a glimpse into a world that turned upside down in 2012.
On May 28th, 2012, I lost my husband of 16 years – just six days after we celebrated our 16th anniversary. What I will tell you about next, will be a shock to some, a confirmation for others and an acknowledgement for the rest of you.
I spent 17 years knowing that May 28th would come. I, of course, didn’t know the exact date, but I knew I was living in a world that would crash around me at anytime. It had come close several other times in the past; it was only a matter of time.
I was blessed to have an amazing man love me for 17 years. He was a good husband, a great dad and my best friend. He was wounded and fought, what he called, "Demons" every day. These "demons" he fought were varied; from a childhood that wasn’t good, to a variety family issues, to work related problems. There was always something (and most the time more than one ‘something’) on his mind; weighing and eating at him.
He never thought he mattered to anyone, not even to me. I had hoped after 17 years, I had shown him that he did and I believe he knew he did in the end. He loved only a few of us. We know who we were! And above all of us, his two kids were everything to him. To Kyle and Natalie - your dad was tough on you guys, but it was because he wanted you to have a better life than the one he grew up in. He wanted nothing but the best for the both of you. He may not have always known how to show it – but he loved the two of you more than anything else.
He was a sweet, caring, stubborn, sometime-butthead of a man... He was a very private person, who didn’t want to admit that something wasn’t right. He never let anyone in; he never let anyone see the demons he fought. Kyle and I saw them all the time, but he was good at hiding them from everyone else.
On Memorial weekend 2012, he was fighting sadness, hurt and anger hard and unfortunately they won this time. On Sunday, May 27th, after he and I fought most of the day over several things, I tried to get him to go to bed. He tried to lay down but could not get comfortable. He returned to our backyard, where we had been doing landscaping that weekend. From there, I am not sure what happened. I thought he was doing yard work with a rototiller to burn off frustrations, and he may have for a bit. But he ended up shutting himself in our camper with a generator running. Kyle and I found him the next day.
I will never fully forgive myself for that night. The guilt that I have for not being there for him, like I had so many times before, will haunt me forever. However, after many talks with an incredible counselor and another amazing man who came into my life, I know that my husband is in a better place than this earth could ever have been for him.
Kyle and I are trying to move forward with our lives; all of us who loved him and miss him are. I know, above everything, he would want his kids to know that he loved them with everything inside him. He would want them to remember that he did the best he could and there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do (or not do if he felt that was the better thing to do) for them. He would want all of us to smile when we think about him and remember him as the ultimate smart ass with a contagious smile! He’d want us to drink a beer for him and know he isn’t hurting anymore.
I didn’t write this to get sympathy from anyone. I have wanted to write this for a while now; to let people know what happened almost 2 1/2 years ago.... And now that suicide prevention month is upon us, I decided to finally share a little bit of what has happened. I tried so many times to get my husband to agree to seek help. He never would. I wish I had tried harder, but I still know it would not have made a difference. He wasn’t going to let anyone else in. I hope, in some way, this helps give those of you reading this a sense of the struggle my husband faced. I know we are "supposed" to do all we can to get people struggling with depression help, in any way we can. But trust me, sometimes, you just can not. Ultimately, in the end, it is up to the person struggling to acknowledge it and not be afraid to ask for help. For my husband, he believed I was the only help he needed, and I failed him. I am dealing with that with the help of the people who love me and have been here for me.
Until you have a trauma (not my word for describing this but that’s what ‘they’ tell me it was) like we did, you have no idea the range of emotions and reactions you will go thru; the variety of ways you react to situations or how you handle yourself from day to day. A lot of those first few months are a blur to me, I was going thru motions but not really present. I want to thank each and everyone one of the people that were there for us during the past couple years. You have seen some crazy emotions, dealt with a roller coaster of craziness from us, and still choose come around or check in! You have forgiven us for not being ourselves and still love us! You have no idea what that means to me!
To Kyle, I love you more than you could possibly know. You saw me at my absolute worse. You had to watch me fall apart but you were and still are always there for me. You are an amazing young man!
And Natalie, I love you girl! You have grown into an amazing young woman and mother! I am sorry your dad couldn't meet his grand babies but know he is watching over you all! I am so glad we were able to reconnect! I am sorry I don't live closer to you so we can hang out, catch up and I can see your kiddos grow up in person!
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